Amidst headlines attacking the Emperor’s trip to the Playboy Mansion, his Chief Communications Honcho Ben Dover has hit back, outlining plans for a radical scheme that, he says, will make Bermuda a tourist magnet.

The scheme involves a job swap of the highest order. Emperor B is to take the reins at the Playboy Mansion while Hef will move into B’s equally spectacular abode – and into his office.

The Playboy Bunnies have already begun training in customer disservice, with some tackling classes in advanced level TCD and Customs snarling. They will be required to cover up in respect of new decency requirements; g-strings are outlawed and nipples are a no-no. A new Bunny social system has been developed, with those born in the mansion receiving preferential treatment over those born elsewhere, with those not living on-site the lowest of all. Spouse-of-Bunnies will be allowed employment only for certain jobs not desired by Born Bunnies.

Bringing to the mansion what Dover describes as “social justice,” B will establish the Workers And Hangers On (WAHO) union to represent the Bunnies, teaching them how to strike without adhering to the law, walk off the job or down tools without notice.

First task will be to build three new hotels and seven thousand condos, a project that is set to take a decade and go $370 billion over budget.

Hef’s leadership has already begun in Bermuda, with a new uniform for government workers that involves a lot of bodypaint and a couple of tassels. The uniform has met with a mixed response so far.

“Thongs are all very well in an air-conditioned mansion but you try getting on a black vinyl moped seat on a hot day,” complained immigration clerk Rhonda Smith as her second degree burns were treated by a bikini-clad nurse at KEMH. Nurse Pat McPhee agreed. “These bikinis just don’t look right on a two hundred pound bloke like me,” he said.

MP and Edumacashun Supremo Horny Randton was full of support for the scheme, saying he found the g-string and bodypaint look “liberating,” although he did concede that the fluffy tails can be hazardous when sitting down suddenly.

The job swap also met with cautious approval from business leaders, with Bermuda Office of Business Organisations (BOBO) chief Dee Furrment saying that international businesses will be more attracted to Bermuda now service and hospitality workers have been taught the difficult and technically demanding skill of smiling at customers. “Replacing front-line Immigration and Customs workers with porn stars probably helps too,” she said, though she refused to be drawn on whether she was referring to their superior skills in cavity searches.

Finance Honcho Mr Paul Cocks also supports the scheme, confirming that gambling the nation’s budget at poker has proved to be a more efficient use of funds than the previous method of funding capital projects.

Expats remain as confused as usual, with accountant Pierre le Canuck commenting, “I thought it was a joke or the results of combining a swizzle with a spliff.  Then again, I thought they were joking about the shorts too.”

Disunited Bermuda Party stalwart Bob Bean pronounced the scheme, “Disgusting. I’m disgusted we didn’t think of partying at Playboy while we were in power.  All we got were a few cocktails at the Ritz and you don’t get any nipples there.”

*All untrue... but it might work better than “Feel the Love”.

With the possibility of nuclear power looming close for energy-hungry Bermuda, it was looking as though our desire to run more TVs per capita than any other nation was creating a crisis. The government was doubtless keen to avoid yet another major capital project that would require investment in an estimated $799 million of breeze blocks and Belchco was concerned at the possibility of cheap energy sources making monthly household bills less than four figures.

With an outlook that was, at best, grim, help has arrived from an unexpected source. By chance the team at Bermuda Sucks has discovered a new, environmentally friendly energy source that will barely cost a cent.

The energy source is based on a new technology called Perpetual Motion Trolling and it relies on the interaction of two or more online forum trolls.

“We knew that a single troll created a huge energy drain, wasting much time and effort,” said Sucks admin Valentine Michael Smith. “It was when additional trolls appeared that we realised something astounding was happening. When a troll attacks another troll, a counter-attack is launched, then another, creating perpetual motion. “

The resulting energy, mostly in the form of hot air, is channelled via a server to households across Bermuda. It is found to be more reliable than the previously considered hot air coming from the Cabinet Building because it has been determined that trolls take fewer vacations.

The pilot energy programme has taken advantage of international input, with Canada proving to be a good source for overactive trolls.

“Canada, with its abundance of hydro energy, had not realised the value of this additional natural resource. It seems in some of the flatter lands around Ontario, trolls breed vigorously even in urban areas. We were able to tap into this resource to the benefit of Bermuda,” commented Smith.

Bermuda’s Emperor was believed to be attending a ‘tourism convention’ in the Seychelles and unavailable for comment and we couldn’t figure out if there’s a minister for energy but a random and seemingly without purpose government spokesperson said that the nation will welcome the project. “We will be investing $6 billion on breeze blocks in anticipation of supplying energy to the region, subject to a fact-finding mission to the Turks & Caicos Islands and a report from a specialist consultant.”

Questions about the consultant sharing a surname with the Emperor were rightly dismissed on the basis of being plantation questions. “We needed a Bermudian consultant because we don’t need any foreigners coming in and stealing our homes and impregnating our teens,” said the spokesperson.

A Belchco spokesperson said they did not believe the new energy source would harm their revenues, declaring, “We’ll just put up the prices for those afraid of anything new to make up the shortfall.”

The new energy source is predicted to bring a windfall to the island’s internet service providers, with the CEO of one declaring, “We will now be able to increase speeds to 256k while charging for super-fast broadband.”

Perpetual motion trolling energy will be available by June. The community can contribute to this cheap energy source by feeding the trolls.

*Story entirely fabricated – or is it?