How Empress Betty and Sir Johnny Rottentail achieved self actualization in the Middle of the Ocean

A fictional tale by Emily Lane

Chapter One

Once upon a time, there was an imaginary kingdom off the coast of France. It was smaller than France. It's food wasn't as good as France's, and its weather certainly wasn't like the south of France. But it had four things that France lacked. The first was sheep. They had sheep here. They had sheep there. You could say, that they had sheep everywhere. Baa, Baa, Baa, mad Moo disease?

The second thing the kingdom had was music, "Oh, sweet music." There was a seemingly endless supply of talented pop bands. The third was that they spoke American. Alas, with a strange parochial accent, but still understandable to most other American speakers. Some would viciously claim that the kingdom's foreign policy was American as well. But we will save that for another fairy tale. If you kick someone too many times when they're down, your audience will soon wear a frown.

The fourth, was that they had an Empress. The French had lost their last real royal in a horrific shaving accident in 1791. One or two more kings had followed, but none had stayed for long. Understandably, they had not wanted to stick their necks out.

The Empress of this kingdom was named Betty. Empress Betty had become famous for reintroducing the phrase "Dude, last year sucked eggs!" She definitely had cause. For her life had been no rose garden. It had started out well enough. In her youth she had been happy and uncouth.? But her uncle Emperor Edmund, had like so many of his circle, flirted with a megalomaniac Austrian corporal. As war approached this became a no no, and "Kaiser" Edmund was forced to dance a go go.

This left poor princess Betty the first in line. Her father became Emperor Gregory, but he had a terrible affliction. He was addicted to tobacco smoke, and from it died of a stroke. Poor Betty had married for love but her honeymoon was soon done, when her dad passed away, she became number one. But her husband Prince Peter turned out to be a rogue. Apparently, these Greek,Yugoslavian, Japanese, Danish, Macedonian, Egyptian, Prussian people are all the same.

As the years went by she began to feel the weight of the world on her shoulders. Sure, those shoulders were fashionably attired in an endless supply of classy yet timeless dresses, but she still felt that weight. A wise man once said, "never judge a rich person until you have flown around the world in a private jet, lived in five or six mansions, owned a priceless art collection, yachted in the Mediterranean or had a personal chef on call." Okay, maybe he was more of a well remunerated man, than a wise one.

The problem was democracy. What had those darn Greeks started. I mean the rich and powerful everywhere had hoped it would just be a passing fad. But it had stuck around. It was like a day at the races.You know when you eat a little caviar, and get some stuck between your teeth. No matter how much champagne you swirl in your mouth the caviar refuses to be dislodged. "O me miserum, what a bore, if only I could be like my husband a wanton ....... " Chore, that's the word, I ....was looking for.

End of Chapter One

This is an experiment in satire. It is completely untrue. Any similarities between the rich and famous are definitely coincidental. Did I mention I was a penniless hobo.