With the possibility of nuclear power looming close for energy-hungry Bermuda, it was looking as though our desire to run more TVs per capita than any other nation was creating a crisis. The government was doubtless keen to avoid yet another major capital project that would require investment in an estimated $799 million of breeze blocks and Belchco was concerned at the possibility of cheap energy sources making monthly household bills less than four figures.

With an outlook that was, at best, grim, help has arrived from an unexpected source. By chance the team at Bermuda Sucks has discovered a new, environmentally friendly energy source that will barely cost a cent.

The energy source is based on a new technology called Perpetual Motion Trolling and it relies on the interaction of two or more online forum trolls.

“We knew that a single troll created a huge energy drain, wasting much time and effort,” said Sucks admin Valentine Michael Smith. “It was when additional trolls appeared that we realised something astounding was happening. When a troll attacks another troll, a counter-attack is launched, then another, creating perpetual motion. “

The resulting energy, mostly in the form of hot air, is channelled via a server to households across Bermuda. It is found to be more reliable than the previously considered hot air coming from the Cabinet Building because it has been determined that trolls take fewer vacations.

The pilot energy programme has taken advantage of international input, with Canada proving to be a good source for overactive trolls.

“Canada, with its abundance of hydro energy, had not realised the value of this additional natural resource. It seems in some of the flatter lands around Ontario, trolls breed vigorously even in urban areas. We were able to tap into this resource to the benefit of Bermuda,” commented Smith.

Bermuda’s Emperor was believed to be attending a ‘tourism convention’ in the Seychelles and unavailable for comment and we couldn’t figure out if there’s a minister for energy but a random and seemingly without purpose government spokesperson said that the nation will welcome the project. “We will be investing $6 billion on breeze blocks in anticipation of supplying energy to the region, subject to a fact-finding mission to the Turks & Caicos Islands and a report from a specialist consultant.”

Questions about the consultant sharing a surname with the Emperor were rightly dismissed on the basis of being plantation questions. “We needed a Bermudian consultant because we don’t need any foreigners coming in and stealing our homes and impregnating our teens,” said the spokesperson.

A Belchco spokesperson said they did not believe the new energy source would harm their revenues, declaring, “We’ll just put up the prices for those afraid of anything new to make up the shortfall.”

The new energy source is predicted to bring a windfall to the island’s internet service providers, with the CEO of one declaring, “We will now be able to increase speeds to 256k while charging for super-fast broadband.”

Perpetual motion trolling energy will be available by June. The community can contribute to this cheap energy source by feeding the trolls.

*Story entirely fabricated – or is it?